Will I ever have happily ever after?

Traumatize : Subject to lasting shock as a result of an emotionally disturbing experience or physical injury. (Google Definition)

Yep you read the title so let's get into it (Tami Roman Voice)

Alexa play Musiq Soulchild - Mary Go Round

Alexa play Eric Benet - Pretty Baby

I'm scarred… Although it only took one man to finally get me to this place in life, it was really a build up of several men that provoked the unknown and unfortunate outcome. I’m not the same woman who once believed in love. As the song goes “Love don’t live here anymore”.I remember being the “Ugly Duckling” waiting for prince charming to come and swoop me off my feet. I imagined that love would find me. I was always certain of that. The love songs I wrote in my songbook proves the innocence I once had. I never imagined being the woman I’ve become. My heart is currently stone. I’ve given up on the fairy tale. The thought of being with a man just makes me want to throw up. I’m comfortable with the thought of being alone for the rest of my life.

I haven’t reached the appropriate age to have a mid-life crisis but life doesn’t discriminate.

* My first crush called me ugly to my face in church. I got him to like me eventually. Our saga lasted over 15 years. No happy ending just a mutual understanding that it's a good thing I didn’t get what I wanted

* My first real boyfriend,the boy that took my virginity, cheated on me. We lived in different cities so I guess it was inevitable but still. That relationship lasted two years

* I had a guy stop talking to me because I wasn’t Christian meanwhile he was trying to fuck me in the back of his truck. Thank God I didn’t give it up. Guess that was his excuse since he was a pretty boy who didn’t get what he wanted.

* Being in a relationship with the class clown was never in my plans. What started out a joke became the real thing. He wrote me letters during the day at school professing his love. He was so happy that I gave him a chance. He promised that he was a stand-up guy and wouldn’t cheat on me. HE LIED!! He actually did several times. Funny thing is he had the nerve to almost fight this other boy in school that had a crush on me. I definitely got a kick out of two boys fighting for my attention. The end of the school year was the end of that relationship. I was done with the lies and embarrassment from other girls telling me what he was doing behind my back.

* My first serious relationship was with a man older than me. I thought he was the Knight to rescue me from the lame boys. I was always older in the mind so the talks we had were right up my alley. He was my ex’s cousin. Fucked up I know. I went through an internal battle but revenge fueled me. My ex moved on and found a way to rub it in my face any chance he got. Not even going to front I thought I was the shit dating an older man. One day he had flowers delivered to my school. All the girls in my class were so envious. What high school boy was doing that? When he got his own apartment he gave me a set of keys. Well, the joke was on me at the end of the day because the knights' armor was rusty when the polish wore off. His mom didn’t like me since I was black and in her opinion to young for her son. He cheated on me with the woman his mother wanted him to marry. I spent almost three years being in and out of a relationship with him. I was done after he showed up at my parent's house begging me to take him back meanwhile he had a tattoo of another woman's name on his neck…..

* This boy I was dating was supposed to take me to prom. At the last minute he called with some lame excuse as to why he couldn't go. I took my best friend and got called gay by my fellow classmates.

* I fell for a smooth talker who I actually didn’t like at first. We were never in an official relationship. When I left for college he told me I didn’t have to wait around for him. I guess he didn’t expect me to move on. One night I boldly told him that I slept with someone else. He cursed me out so bad I cried. He eventually got me back by sleeping with someone very close to me at the time.

* That man I had sex with in college was the security blanket I thought I would be comforted by during my time of confusion. We both admitted feelings for one another. I got cold feet and one night told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Weeks later I came to my senses. I went down to his dorm to apologize. His roommate lets me in and I see him cuddled up with a white girl. Guess it didn’t take long to move on past me.

* When you agree to a companionship there are rules. Rules, however, were made to be broken. I found this appealing because he wasn’t like anyone I’ve dealt with. He was really smart but had a lil hood streak. I thought I was ok with our arrangement since he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I wasn’t either at the time. We’ve had plenty of discussions about us. It was a relationship that couldn’t be defined. It was more than sex. Anytime you’re sitting up for hours watching the discovery channel talking about the possibility of mermaids being real shit becomes more complicated. Sometimes he would be “disappear” for a few weeks and I would do me. The moment he texted or called me I was all his again. Eventually, I decided that I was over this arraignment and required him to step up or let me move on. He told me he would think about my ultimatum. It took him three weeks to decide meanwhile I took it as I’m free to do me. Guess I was “wrong again”. He saw a Facebook status I put up about being with another man and he calls me not even two minutes later asking questions. We didn’t “end” on good terms but he had to have the last silent word. A week later I saw a Facebook post of him with his girl at their baby shower. Talk about a shock to the system. I never knew he was in a relationship….

* The final straw…… Moving to Virginia has truly been a life changing experience. I met a man when I was finally at the point of loving myself. I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship but he took it as a challenge. I was determined to keep him at arm's length and just chill. No sex just a friend. After pursuing me heavy I finally decided maybe I should give him a chance. We agreed to a companionship and if it led to a full fledged relationship so be it. Well, I got pregnant the first time we slept together. He wasn’t ready for another child and I didn't have my shit together yet. I bring up the idea of abortion and we mutually agree. I renege and decide to keep our child. Suddenly I lost a friend and gained a foe. He admitted to still trying to work things out with the ex he claimed during our friendship that he was over with. Eventually, I found out I wouldn’t be just a normal single mom. Our child was born with a heart defect and required life saving surgery to survive.

Although this happened in 2016, my psyche won’t let me forget the mistake I felt I made. Beauty came out of the situation and thus my twin, my baby boy was born.

As you can see I was stupid a lot of times. I could have avoided some past experiences if I didn’t let my insecurities become part of my identity. Men will play on them like a 2K game if you let them. This goes for the opposite sex as well. Men lie, women lie. It’s the name of the game. It's not that I don’t trust myself enough to make good decisions, I’m scared that the right one will come but I won’t be ready to receive his love. The wounds are too deep to heal any time soon. Contrary to popular belief, No man or woman should be solely responsible for anyone's recovery process of failed love and relationships past. I’m the person to show you the danger sign so that you make the choice early on if this is a road you want to embark on. I’ve lost myself before trying to prove my worth to someone only for me to get hurt in the end.

I’m 31 and a single mother of one. I’m still finding myself. I’m not suffering from the insecurities I once had but new ones have crept to the surface. Part of my womanhood is missing. I don’t feel like I can be sexy. My physical body has changed since having a child. This past week I put myself to a challenge. I would make sure my hair is done, take time to make up my face and put on clothes I don’t normally wear to work. I must say that it’s the confidence boost I needed. It may seem easy for some to do this every day. I follow a lot of women on social media who are just so beautiful and well put together. Any ladies going through this struggle I’m with you. One thing we need to realize is that work is required to get to the end result. I don’t like my body but I can change it by exercising. If I’m feeling ugly concealer, mascara and lipstick do the trick. The career I want is dependent upon my willingness to go hard continuously even when I feel like giving up.

I don’t see myself being in a relationship any time soon. One thing I do vow to do is to keep working on myself every day. I’ve been celibate for a year and a half (Make sure you read my article Why I Love Being Celibate) which has helped get rid of some toxic energy. All of us are works in progress. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Good luck to everyone on the journey. You got this!!!!

IG: Evonalove25